The beginning of a gert fu+king waffle alert!….

For a little while now some wonderful ladies have been trying to get me to start a blog.  So, here we are.  Im sorry if at time I swear, thats me.  It maybe a lot of waffle at times( see the name of the blog) but this is all new to me.

So as some of you know I have a wonderful, loving,and at many a time bratty, gobby 14 yr old son.( ftm) The sometimes grunts and strops of a stereotypical boy mixed with the temper tantrum, hormonal and somewhat dramitic side of a girl. Who makes me,laugh,cry,question my sanity and parenting skills all at the same time.

***Gert fu+king waffle alert( didn’t swear because of new people)****

So latest from CAMHS ( cut long story short we have believed that C has bipolar for many years now ) is that aside the ftm, Mr wishy washy, I’m gonna say mmmm,hmmm,ok,i see a lot, useless piece of shit dr says he hasn’t seen any proof of bipolar,to which I said..what do u want me to do,freeze C in time till he has a 20 min appointment so you can see something. Ffs, what a stupid,fucking waste of time and space. Annoying thing is,as soon as he turns 16 they will say,oh yea,we will treat you now! I’m soooooooooo mad right now….Cee’s amazing care worker at CAMHS totally gets where I’m coming from and agrees we need 2nd opinion and is gonna get Dr Wishy Washy to write to ask Tavi to check it out….
On a lighter note.
I can’t get to grips with twitter and today to release the tension I propped Cee’s spare Willy down inside my glasses and skipped in the front room singing in dr dick head!x

I might add some of my old posts, just to let you know how random I am.

I also try to laugh, a lot….believe me it helps….things could be a whole lot worse.

no-swearing

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Open Book Tavi


.Ok, so its been a while since I last posted. This is because theres been more activity in our house than usual.

1st, The meds he was at last put on are doing amazing things for his mental health, no self harm for a while and no talk of things being hopeless.

2nd, I phoned Tavi to find out where he was on the list to be told he was at the top,which ended up with him in a crumpled lump on the floor crying,good tears though.

3rd, The day after we get a phone call offering an appointment for the day after at Tavi, to which we had lots more tears all over the place.

The meeting at Tavi was brill. We went to the one in Exeter and the atmosphere was great, really chilled,cool colours, soft sofas everywhere, tea and coffee. Zero stress at all. We met 2 really lovely people who we chatted with and laughed with. They were impressed that Id already sounded out our GP for taking over blockers when the time comes. Happy that we were so open as a family and that there were no secrets,that we were open books. My words were ‘whats the fucking point in hiding shit? If we hide stuff you cant help him’.  I need manage to drop Mermaids into the conversation several times.  My first comment was ‘ I know some bad stuff has been said about Mermaids in the past,but let me tell you,they been a fucking god send to me. If it wasnt for them I wouldnt be as chilled as I am. No matter what the subject theres always some other parents who have been through orwho

are going through simular to you. I support them and they support me,which in turn supports this man here’.  I also told them about info Id printed out and taken into school off my own back . Oh and I also told them that with Mermaids theres normally another parent to talk to at stupid oclock in the night when your sat up,yet again on suicide watch and they are doing the same.

I would say the meeting wasnt scary,just very chilled.

4th, Hes started a phased return to school after 16 months away. Very slowly, 2 hours for 2 afternoons a week but its something.

Plus on top of all that I have 3 other kids,2 dogs and an amazing husband,and Ive been falling a lot,3 times down the stairs in 2 weeks and other shite so hey ho…..it could be worse.

Talking a crock of shit!!!

So,after all the awful news coverage and tv programs over the last few months saying all kinds of untruths and myths and stories about us as families, our beautiful children and those that not only stand up for us all but stand beside us all (Mermaids and Dr W to name but a few),I,as a mummy to a beautiful,kind,thoughtful and funny boy would like to say,in my own words,what a complete and total crock of fucking shit these people have been talking. You can read shit,you can watch shit and you can even speak to those thast have been ‘cured’, but its the biggest load of crap ive ever witnessed. So many times over the last few months Ive been heard to shout ‘for fucks sake’ from the front room as Ive seen the latest ‘facts’ to do with transgender kids and their families. I wish these nasty people would get a grip and go write some real news….news with facts…

Fact- No parent or child expects this.

Fact- No parent would push their child into being transgender because of all the shit they can get in life.

Fact-No child thinks being transgender would be a cool idea this week,due to how friends and family could react.

Fact-Without the help and support of our amazing GP, Mermaids support group and CAMHS we wouldnt have got through this.

Fact- I personally would rather my child be happy and transgender than being miserable and trying to kill themselves.

Fact-I am so proud of my son for being who he is,for being brave enough to stand up for who he is and I thank every single day that hes my son.

Fact-These are normal,healthy kids who are not going away and they should not have to. These kids have the right to a life,a happy,fulfilled life,just like anyone one else.

WWW.foreverything. com

Ok, so I don’t know how many of you know about self harm but I’ve just come across one that’s new to me. Sucking/ biting. Found my darling boy sat on the floor of the shower crying his eyes out covered in these bites. It shocked me a bit but I feel so bad that I thought,thank fuck its not cutting. Me being me said to him’ tell that boyfriend of yours theres to be no hickies in this house’. To which I got a grunt,a half smile,a ‘I don’t have one’ and a slam of the door,but all I kept thinking was,’thank fuck its not cutting’.

What do these kids do go to a web site called http://www.howtoselfharm.com? If its as simple as that is there a website called http://www.whenwillmychildnolongerhurt.com or http://www.pleasegivemestrengthtokeepgoing.com or even http://www.howtobulkbuycoffeeciggieschociesandenergy.com

Joking aside,I feel helpless,I can hide stuff in the house,I can make phone calls,sort appointments, buy binders and if he bleeds patch it up,but this biting lark I can do fuck all to help,I just have to sit by and see them fade. Well and put on arnica but its still nothing in the grand scheme of things. How do we as parents who are used to trying to make things better just sit by and watch this?  Talking of helping though,I’ve thought about,when the time comes,along way down the line,when the time comes to get rid of the sticky willie in the powder,Id offer to give the skin from my arms to him for his operation so he doesn’t have these huge scars on his arms that he has to explain….that’s not weird is it??

Too Da Loo


So, my not so little man is still in hospital but we are doing a ‘phased discharge’ so today he’s gone out with his granny and grampy for the morning.  Any how, there I am, as per usual,sat on the loo having my thinking time when I get a whatsapp come through from him.  No writing, just a photo, so I click on it to make it bigger and I’m looking  at a bloody urinal in the mens toilet.  So I send back ???????? .  I’m sat there thinking, has he sent it because it looks clean?  Is it because there’s a blue block in it?  Is it because the floor looks tidy? I hope to god he didn’t try to do a stand up pee as he doesn’t have a stand to pee willy, if he has he’s gonna have wee all over his jeans!  He text back,’ I came in the loo when there was another man in here, I only normally use the gents if its empty .  Are you proud of me?’
My first thought was , awwww bless, then, Oh shit, I hope there wasnt anyone in there when he took the photo,then I’m trying to think of something great to say but to be honest I didn’t have a clue what to say.  So I said all I could ‘ of course I’m proud sweetie, and you just got me whilst Im sat on the loo having my morning poop, you wanna a photo of our bathroom?’.  I get back in capitals ‘ARGHH MUM, YOURE SO,TOTALLY GROSS,NO WONDER IM CRAZY HAHA, love you.’

A few moments later I get another whatsapp photo but this time it’s a cup, a teapot and a pot of milk, I was like ‘yum, that’s nice a tup a tea’.  To which he says, ‘mother, I’m not 5, its a cup not a tup, you’re so embarrassing’.  To which I said, be thankful that its via whatsapp and that Im not there in person to say it to you! You wait, next time I see you im gonna totally embarrass you….my mum did it to me, now its my turn to do it to you.  Its part of our job description’.

I love him so much, he’s so random, just like his mummy.

Your Mama Kicks Ass

Today is Tuesday and weve been told theres a big multi agency meeting to decide what should happen next. My lovely boy who ive fought long and hard for has been given a social worker. She didnt know about the meeting, his careworker from camhs didnt know about it,nor did education. Turns out it was hosp dr, ward sister,camhs outreach,camhs manager and social worker (we werent invited). Tuesday late afternoon we are none the wiser, camhs passing buck to social worker and hospital passing buck to social worker and social worker trying to blame camhs and hospital. I was just like,what the fucking point was any of that meeting,they got no where and we couldnt tell him any more.

Next morning myself and my mum go to a meeting with social services and we were bombarded with guilt trips over bringing him home to which we explained we couldnt due to keeping him safe and nor could my parents. They told us camhs would see him 5 days a week for support. That was that, then they wanted to kjnow about his education,tonwhich I told them we were trying to sort it out but because he didnt have a diagnosis the shrink could recommend him for medical education,but they wouldnt diagnose till 18yrs old.  Vicious circle. We told them we had a meeting with camhs and a camhs shrink at the hospital and hour later and wed let them know what happened.

When camhs arrived at the hospital they wanted to talk to him alone at first and whilst that happened a nurse spoke to me briefly about the email she had recieved from PALS about my complaint. I was told he wouldnt be allowed off the ward alone any longer and not to worry as they would keep a close eye on him. She then proceeded to email PALS to tell them it was now all sorted and fine,which PALS quickly emailed me to tell me…btw,its not ok

Soon myself and my mum were called in to the the camhs shrink ( they dont deserve capital letters) should called shams, any way,the shrink and a camhs outreach worker. The meeting started off and we asked if we could chat without my little man for a while. We explained our fears for my baby and things that were and werent working. The fact of whats happened to him over the last 16 months and that things need to change and go up a notch. They seemed to be taking no notice at all. Then they called him back in even before we had finished, I had warned my man in advance that it might get heated so he wasnt scared. We sat holding hands hoping he was gonna say that he was gonna try medication,to which he started about not diagnosing untill he was 18yrs old, at that point tghe gloves came off and I went for it,” dont you dare trell me we have to go for another 16 months of CBT,DBT,outreach and camhs, dont you dare tell me I have to sit and watching him slice up his other arm,that I have to see the scars saying Im a fuck up in his other leg, that I have to stop him drinking bleach or tying ligatures round his next and trying to hang himself,if you tell me that im gonna seriously lose it”.which tbh I already had,to which he rolled his eyes and said”well we dont like to diagnose untill 18″. To which I yelled ‘ Isnt about time all you professionals down here found themselves some balls and started treating these kids properly? If camhs in other areas in the country can recognise and treat bipolar to name 1 when cant this county? Do I need to move to fucking Leeds  to get him well? (Cant remember if its leeds). The Dr had no answer for it. My man had left the room by now.  I said,” you keep this up,by this time next year he will be dead and it will be your fault”, he rolled his eyes again and my blood boiled.  Dr says” weve spent a bit of time with him and we dont think his mood swings meet the criteria for bipolar but he might have emerging personality disorder, and you need to  know that he needs to self harm safety “. That was it,I went bang,” if hes got emerging personality disorder the fucking treat him and diagnose him so he can get education, No one we know believes that,we believe he hgas bipolar and dont try telling me the text book stuff cause its a crock of shit. Hes not a trext book,hes an individual and thats how you should treat these kids,and dont tell about safe harm as I used to do it,youre talking out of your backside” he rolled his eyes again,that was it,the finger came out and I pointed” will you stop rolling youre eyes at mne,youre hearing some home truths and youre just bering bloody rude”. He stopped and I did say to the lady there,” im sorry aboiut this,you know im dead chilled,we have done everything you have ever asked us to do and trusted you but enoughs enough”. I then turned back to him” weve done it your way for 16 months,if youd tried him on meds when we were told you were in Nov 2015 none oif this MIGHT have happened, I never though Id be begging a childrens Dr to help my child,a Dr who meant to help kids get better and im having to beg you to give my child some medication to see if it will help him”. He looked at mne and said ” fine,ill try him on some medication to see if it helps,and nurse,hes fit for discharge, talk to socal services” and with that he was gone…..i was like “bye then”. I felt mentally, physically and emotionally drained. As we walked up the corridor through the ward to his room people just looked at me. I went into his room to tell him what happened for him to say ” mum,we could hear you up here,in my room,passed the nurses station”. I was very embarrassed.  Any how that night ( Wednesday) they start him on his meds,Thurday more meds, to which my boy over hears a chat mentioning his meds,to which he says ” thats the wrong medication, im not meant to have that”. Panic stations for nurses,phone calls,blood tests and no one told me,it was left for my worried lad to tell me! Fuming much.

Arggggh,Seriously……WTF


Ok,so to recap,I phone the hospital yesterday to be told that he had taken an overdose,I phoned them. Thats all that was said. I phoned again at 9.30pm to say goodnight,via the nurses station,so I spoke to a nurse. I phoned again at about 12 to check with the nurses that he had settled ok. All ok so im told….jump to this morning, I phone and  a nurse answers and I simply say ‘ just phoning to see how he is after yesterday’ to which im told hes fine in his own room with one to one care. So,puzzled I say ‘whys he on one to one care?’. To which the nurse says’well after the razor blades yesterday CAMHS thought it best’. To which my stomach went flip and some of my favorite words poured out my mouth,’ what fucking razor blades?’

Nurse says ‘oh,didnt you know? Let me get the cordless phone and Ill call you right back’. So after an hour of me sitting there and shitting myself,panicked,crying and slowly getting madder she phoned back.  Im told someone had seen him with razor blades and told the nurses( rightly so) and they had moved him,given one to one,almost like suicide watch. Theyd searched his stuff and the Dr had been called to see him. He had given the Dr the blades but it was for his safety. My words became rather blue, ‘ WTF? Why wasnt I told of this yesterday? I phoned the ward at least 3 times yesterday and no one felt fit to tell me this. My mum cam to visit him last night and you know you can tell her stuff and no one thought it serious enought to tell her?’. ‘ For fucks sake, its not like he was found with a glue stick, it was fucking razor bldes and where did he get them from?  no one bloody felt fit to tell me,its disgusting’.

The nurse then said ‘he said hed got them before the weekend’. To which I replied ‘ the only place he has been to be able to get razors is to the shop downstairs,when you guys kept letting him out on his own!’  I didnt much of an answer to that one. I had to hang up the phone before I went proper ape shit on her.

Im am fuming,disgusted, mad,angry,gob smacked and did I say disgusted?!
Sorry if any mistakes im just so bloody cross.

WTF Next

Self harm on ward last week, ligatures that go unnoticed last night on the ward and now..an overdose this afternoon on the ward….. speechless,exhausted and lost,and I had to phone the ward before being told.